


seven emotions painted blue

by tsukkclouds



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon Compliant (kind of), M/M, Past Lives, hajime dreams of their past life, hajime's emotions are painted blue, iwaoi - Freeform, they find each other again in their next life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:47:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28013406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukkclouds/pseuds/tsukkclouds
Summary: The only thing Hajime remembers from his dreams is a faceless boy in blue.Alternatively, in his memories of Oikawa, Hajime's emotions are always painted in different shades of blue.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 12
Kudos: 33





	seven emotions painted blue

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry i really suck at summaries it's 2:30am and my brain isn't functioning properly anymore but if you've clicked on this fic, I hope you do like it! it's not that good but I do try my best :-) heavily unedited!
> 
> @tskclouds on twt

** 1 **

Hajime is six when he first learns that blue is the colour of happiness.

He vaguely remembers laying by a stream near his house; a secret place hidden by the cluster of trees, with only a slight opening in the midst of the tightly woven brambles.

He remembers looking up to find a boy in blue grinning at him - crooked teeth, oversized sapphire singlet and all. And although it's been years, Hajime swears he still recalls the way the dappled sunlight fell across the boy’s face that afternoon.

_“Hajime, you know I hate these! They’re all crawly and creepy!” Oikawa grumbles, eyebrows furrowing in disgust as he begrudgingly clutches the bag in his hand._

_Hajime ignores his whines, holding out to him another beetle he caught. “Look! They’re so cool, what’s wrong with you?”_

_“What’s wrong with me?” The boy exclaims, shoving the bag he was currently holding towards Hajime. “I’m the one holding all the insects you’ve caught!”_

_Hajime pauses, reaching out to him without warning. “You can let them out.”_

_"What?”_

_“I said, you can let them out!” With a cheeky grin, Hajime pries the bag open._

_Oikawa lets out a startled shout, jumping quickly to cling on to Hajime’s shirt as the beetles scuttle away. “You… How could you!”_

_He seems as if he is about to stomp away in anger, but he looks up and Hajime is laughing and—so is he._

_And when Hajime hears the ringing of their laughter in the summer air, when he looks at the grinning sapphire boy sitting by his side —_

Hajime swears he remembers it all.

But how can he remember something - someone, if they never existed?

** 2 **

Hajime is fifteen when he learns that blue is also the colour of love.

Like the typical fifteen year old, Hajime has many dreams. No, not of the future, but of a boy donned in a cobalt blue jersey. His nights are filled with dreams of a familiar, faceless boy Hajime swears he knows.

And in his dreams, the boy is always by his side.

_“That’s a rare smile, coming from you. It’s like you don’t have an ulterior motive,” Hajime laughs as Oikawa waves excitedly at him from across the stadium,_ **_Best Setter Award_ ** _in hand._

_The said boy gasps as though he were offended, but still he couldn’t help the wide smile splitting across his face. “So mean, Iwa-chan!”_

Hajime tosses and turns in his bed, caught in yet another dream for the third time that week.

_"Well, aren’t you going to say you’re happy for me?” Oikawa is still clutching his award, a small smile on his face as he settles on Hajime’s bed, a hand grabbing the alien plush Hajime always keeps there. “You’re the only one who hasn’t congratulated me today.”_

_Hajime stares at the boy who’s fiddling with his plush, squeezing it and releasing it repeatedly, as if he were on edge._

_“Of course I am happy for you,” he starts, but there’s a small pause as Hajime gazes questioningly at the boy. “Weren’t you happy, too?”_

_“Whaddya mean, Iwa-chan? Of course I am happy! Don’t be silly,” Oikawa chuckles, but his fingers are still fidgeting and his smile stays on longer than it usually does — the smile he puts up to guard his emotions when he’s surrounded by people, and Hajime_ **_knows_ ** _._

_“Spill. What’s wrong?”_

_“I don’t- Nothing’s wrong, Iwa-“_

_“There’s no point in trying to lie to me.”_

_The fan whirrs softly, a light hum in the background as Oikawa stays silent. Hajime waits._

_“I don’t… Do you think-“ Hajime remains patient as the boy struggles with his words. “Do you think I deserved this award?” He trails off into a murmur towards the end._

_“Best Setter Award,” Oikawa laughs almost unsurely, and Hajime’s heart clenches at the tremble of uncertainty in his voice. “It doesn’t- Does this…Does it really belong to me?”_

_He looks up at Hajime, who’s swallowing the anger that rises at the thought of his friend feeling this way._

_“There’s no one more deserving of this award than you.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Everyone knows how hard you’ve worked for this, how hard you’ve always worked. The way you stay back everyday after training to practice some more, the way you’re always the earliest at the gym because you want to squeeze in some practice before training starts. The way you push yourself so hard that you don’t even realise when you fall sick. The way you insist on hitting jump serves over and over and over again despite the risk of your knee giving way. The way you give your all in_ **_everything_ ** _you do.”_

_“Iwa-chan-“_

_“So don’t you dare think that you’re undeserving of all this. You deserve so much more than you give yourself credit for, and if I ever find out you’re thinking this way again, I_ **_will_ ** _come after you.”_

_Hajime releases his fist he didn’t even know he had clenched._

_Oikawa is crying._

Hajime awakes in the middle of the night to find nothing but silence, and an empty bed.

He thinks to himself that he can still feel the warmth of a boy crying in his arms, but his shirt is no longer wet from tears and he’s _losing_ it all again, the _name_ on the tip of his tongue — possibly a face, a _voice-_

Why can’t he remember _anything_?

Hajime clutches desperately at the remaining wisps of his dream slipping away.

He remembers nothing but a boy and a shade of cobalt blue.

There’s a certain emptiness he can’t quite pinpoint.

** 3 **

_All Hajime hears is the pounding in his ears._

_For a moment, the entire world stills as Oikawa points a finger directly at him._

**_I trust that you will get to the ball._ **

_He blinks and the ball is flying towards him in a perfect set- his mind is telling him to move and yet he can’t help but watch helplessly as the boy falls backwards; there’s a loud crash and a flash of teal and Hajime’s breath catches for a split second as Oikawa slams into the side chairs- stumbling, falling and desperate to get up._

**_I trust you._ **

_Hajime’s body is moving without him realising. He’s running and jumping, his arms raised in position and—_

He can still feel the ghost of a sting on his palm when he awakens, his heart racing. There’s a sinking feeling of sadness and disappointment in his heart as he sits awake in bed.

The dim orange flicker of street lamps outside his window filters in through the gaps in the curtains, illuminating his hand in a soft glow. He traces his palm gently.

Hajime has never played volleyball in his entire life.

He is eighteen when he learns that blue is the colour of trust, because in his dreams, the boy is always blue.

** 4 **

_“You’re an amazing setter; my partner whom I can boast about.”_

The dreams continue, night after night, and Hajime’s still left without answers, but that was the last time he ever saw the boy again.

_“How are things there?”_

_“I really wish you were here with me, it’s great! I just moved into the new apartment and I’m about to go get some new curtains. The current curtains are purple, can you believe it, Iwa-chan? Purple! I have to send you a picture later, its disastrous!”_

_Hajime chuckles into the phone as Oikawa rambles on. He can almost picture his face scrunched up in distaste, glaring at the purple curtains hanging in his living room._

_“Speaking of which, have you met Utsui-san yet?” There’s a loud shuffling across the line, and Hajime presumes Oikawa is currently struggling to remove the curtains._

_“I’m meeting him this Thursday,” Hajime begins, pausing as he listens to the clanking through the phone. “You have to unhook it first. The curtains.”_

_The clanking stops abruptly as the boy gasps through his phone. “Iwa-chan! You’re a genius, how did you know!”_

_Hajime doesn’t bother to hide his smile. “Go get your new curtains and rest well before your training starts tomorrow.”_

_“But I don’t want to hang up yet!”_

_They don’t stop chatting until an hour later, when Oikawa realises that the shop selling curtains is closing in thirty minutes._

_As Hajime settles down to unpack his belongings, a ding from his phone notifies him of a new message. Swiping up, he snorts at the ridiculous photo of a twenty-one year old boy in a light blue Argentinian jersey, sticking his tongue out at his ugly purple curtains._

_Hajime buries his head under a pile of pillows, unable to stop himself from letting out a deep sigh. His internship hadn’t been going well at all the past few days, and his nagging feeling of homesickness only served to worsen his frustration._

_He misses the carefree days when they played volleyball back in highschool. He misses the special bentos made by his mother. He misses the times where they would climb to the rooftop in the middle of the night to watch the stars from Oikawa’s house._

_Hajime swipes through his Instagram in the darkness._ **_Oikawa seems to be happy in Argentina_ ** _, he remarks. A sudden ringing from his phone piercing through the silence of his apartment nearly causes him to hurl his phone off the bed in surprise._

_“Oikawa?”_

_“Iwa-chan! You haven’t been picking up my calls for days, I missed you!”_

_“Sorry, I’ve just been a little busy. How are you?”_

_“I’m good! My new teammates are great and everyone’s amazing, but I still miss setting for you, Iwa-chan.” Hajime hums in acknowledgement as the boy continues. “I also visited a vineyard a few days ago, I saw a grape that reminded me of you!”_

_“Of me?”_

_“Yeah! Are you doing well too, Iwa-chan? You seem quieter than usual.”_

_“…Everything’s fine.”_

_“Oh, that’s good!”_

**_I miss you._ **

_“Iwaizumi Hajime! Have you even spoken to Tooru in the past few months at all?”_

_“Not yet, mum. We’re both busy,” Hajime swallows._

_“You were never too busy for each other. Are you alright?”_

_“I’m fine,” he replies tersely. “I’ve just been busy with my internship and all, and Oikawa’s been busy training. Don’t worry, I’ll call him soon.”_

_Hajime doesn’t call him._

_Oikawa is doing well in Argentina. Hajime knows this, because he knows him better than he knows himself. How independent Oikawa is. How hard he works. How he pushes himself beyond what others expect of him in everything he does, especially when it comes to volleyball. How great the expectations he places on himself. Oikawa is the type of person who thrives in whatever situation he is thrown into._

_Hajime doesn’t need to talk to him to know that Oikawa is doing well, especially not when he spams the third years group chat every so often with selfies and life updates._

_Oikawa’s doing great._

_The next phone call is two months later, at two in the morning, Californian time._

_“Hey Iwa-chan!”_

_“Hmm?” Awoken from his sleep, Hajime had picked up the phone groggily without looking at the caller ID. But there was only one person who called him by that nickname._

_“I know it’s probably really early in California right now, but I have something exciting to tell you! We kinda have the next week off to rest since our matches just ended, and I was thinking-” Oikawa sounded a little nervous, and his initial excitement seemed to wane a little. “I was wondering if we could meet? I was thinking about flying to California, and I know you’re probably really busy studying at the moment, so it’s alright if you really can’t make it, but we haven’t talked in a while and I miss-“_

_Hajime swears he didn’t mean to hang up._

_But it was Oikawa, and he wanted to fly over. To California. To meet him._

_They hadn’t spoken in more than half a year. What if he didn’t know what to say? What if there was nothing left between them except silence? There was no way they could return to the way they were before. What if Oikawa regretted flying over?_

_The fear that consumed him was overwhelming. There were too many ways for things to go wrong. To many chances at ruining whatever it was that they had remaining._

**_—_** **_I’m sorry, I don’t think I can make it next week._** **_Maybe next time._**

**_— — Okay._ **

_Oikawa flies to Brazil instead. He doesn’t make plans to visit again._

_Hajime doesn’t ask._

_Two years fly by, and there is no ‘next time’._

Hajime is twenty-one when he wakes up in tears for the first time, his eyes rimmed red from crying and his body shivering.

His curtains are flapping wildly in the wind. _They’re in a shade of light blue_ , Hajime realises.

The wind from his open window is cold; each breath blown his way snatching away the remains of his dream, stripping him of his memories until all’s that left is the sinking feeling of loneliness and sadness and pain.

Hajime laughs bitterly as he learns that blue is also the colour of loss.

** 5 **

Every night, Hajime finds himself drowning under an inexplicable feeling of regret. 

His dreams always leave Hajime feeling the same way- empty, incomplete, and utterly alone. And yet somehow they are still filled with the beautiful, haunting colour Hajime has become so acquainted with.

Blue is now a shade so close to black you can barely tell it apart.

_Hajime is sitting on his rooftop, alone._

**_“Do you believe in aliens, Iwa-chan?”_ **

**_“Aliens don’t exist, Oikawa.”_ **

**_“Just because you haven’t seen one, doesn’t mean they’re not real! …Will you come and find me if I’m abducted by aliens one day?”_ **

**_“Don’t worry, they wouldn’t want you.”_ **

**_“So mean, Iwa-chan! But for real, let’s say I leave and disappear to somewhere far, far away from you, would you still come and find me no matter what?”_ **

**_“…Good riddance.”_ **

**_“Iwa-chan!”_ **

**_“Yes.”_ **

**_“Huh?”_ **

**_“Yes, I’ll come and find you, dumbass. With your terrible sense of direction, you’ll never find your way back.”_ **

**_“Promise?”_ **

**_“…Yeah.”_ **

_The night sky is beautiful, and most definitely alien-free. But Oikawa has disappeared to somewhere far, far away from Hajime. Somewhere where he can’t reach._

_A point where their relationship couldn’t possibly be salvaged anymore._

_“I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep my promise."_

Hajime is twenty-four when he learns that blue is the colour of regret. An unwanted, sad parting. A bitter aftertaste.

** 6 **

How can you miss someone you’ve never met? It’s a question Hajime has never been able to find the answer to.

Day after day, night after night, year after year; his dreams have been the only constant presence in his life- a comforting shade of blue in the midst of everything changing.

So when his dreams finally stop one day, his life comes whirring to an abrupt pause.

It’s as if someone ripped out an important piece of him and tossed it deep into the ocean; sinking deeper and deeper, disappearing. Hajime is lost.

And for the next two years, Hajime no longer dreams about the faceless boy.

Life goes on, but Hajime is always searching. As he walks home from work, as he goes to buy groceries, as he travels out of town to meet his friends, he’s constantly searching for something.

The feeling of longing never went away with time, it only grew stronger and stronger with each passing day. Hajime has grown restless over the years; always desperately searching for something, for _someone._ But how can you find something you can’t remember?

Yet Hajime _knows_ it’s there. He can feel it deep in his bones, that the something he’s longing to find _exists._ That somewhere in this world, it’s there, waiting for him.

The constant feeling of longing is the colour of the ocean as he walks alongside the beach in the morning to get to work. His memories; like the darting of the rays of light reflected off the surface of the water, there but not quite there, disappearing before you could even get a good look at it.

The sky, the sea, the flowers. The building he walks by everyday, his neighbour’s door, the flag of the ramen place he frequents. There’s blue in everything he sees.

Hajime is twenty-six when he realises that his emotions have always been painted in shades of blue.

** 7 **

Hajime doesn’t usually take detours. But his usual path has been cordoned off due to some road works, and he has no choice but to take a detour down the longer path by the park.

He doesn’t mind, though.

Hajime has one side of his earpiece in as usual, his hands tucked warmly in the pockets of his jacket. A dog is barking somewhere further in the park. The crunch of leaves under his feet is soothing. It’s a good day, and Hajime likes the quiet.

He’s thinking about getting pork buns on the way home, maybe even grab some coffee to go along with it, when a soft humming in the distance pulls him out of his thoughts.

A stranger is approaching his direction, humming a familiar tune that Hajime recognises to be from a cartoon about aliens. Hajime hides a laugh.

He’s about to put the other side of his earpiece in when the stranger brushes past him, and his breath involuntarily catches in his throat. There’s a sudden surge of longing within him as the stranger continues to walk past him, one so strong that it causes him to suddenly stop in his path.

And in the instant he turns around, the whole world is painted blue. The sky is a strange blue that day, it’s especially bright, and especially comforting. It is only then that Hajime notices the sapphire of the stranger’s cardigan, and his matching blue scarf flailing in the wind. Hajime has never met him, but why does he feel like he’s known this man for the longest time ever?

The stranger is looking curiously at him, and Hajime’s face burns with embarrassment.

“I, uh-“

“Have we met?”

Hajime stares at him. “No, but…”

“Then why do I feel like I’ve known you for a long time?”

Hajime can feel the pounding of his heart in his throat as he realises the weight of the stranger’s words. He opens his mouth, but he’s unable to find the words to speak.

The stranger tilts his head in question, stretching his hand out in greeting. “I’m Oikawa Tooru, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Iwaizumi Hajime.”

There’s a small pause of silence as Oikawa takes it in, mouthing Hajime’s name softly under his breath. A wide smile splits across his face, and it’s _blinding._ “Want to go grab some coffee, _Iwa-chan_?”

His smile is breathtaking. There’s a strange familiarity to the way he speaks Hajime’s name. His smile, his hair, his voice- it’s all strangely familiar to Hajime.

And it’s only then, under the blue sky and the comforting, familiar hues of blue he’s been surrounded by his entire life, that Hajime knows he’s finally found what he’s been looking for.

He reaches out his hand to meet Oikawa’s.

Hajime is twenty-seven when he learns that underneath all its hues and intricacies, blue is essentially, the colour of peace.


End file.
